journalling

I woke up in the middle of the night because my room air-conditioner had water leakage. Immediately the person in the past came to my mind. I wanted to tell him and wanted some form of comfort. But I know at the same time, he isn't there anymore. I felt the sadness, but I know I have to embrace this feeling. This episode is perhaps what heartbreak is all about. I still struggle with regrets about my mistakes, even though I know that I had done what I could have done best when things happened. I kept repeating this line, "If you had lowered your neediness and negative emotions, you could have made him less pressured and stressed about the relationship, and perhaps you wouldn't need to break up." But there were already some conflicts in the relationship that we could not address and repair due to his depression, although I was willing. It was as if two bombs came together simultaneously, and I was so shocked and confused that and did not know which to catch first. So, n...

I decided to call today Day 1, although the breakup happened more than five weeks ago. It was a good and fulfilling three years of relationship. Still, we had some unresolved conflicts that made him realize that it would be better if the relationship broke off without a proper conversation at first.  This incident was the most hurting part because it happened out of the blue, although I noticed some signs in the 2-3 months before he sent me the text messages. And the part that he did not tell me about his depression earlier. We had discussions about resolving the conflicts, but my approach was more toward salvaging the relationship. He agreed with me to continue the relationship, but I did not manage to educate myself on depression. At the same time, I realized that I had a lot of insecurities and trust issues due to the way the conflicts were handled. I had to try to figure out what was going on, and it gave me a lot of pain and stress. Adding depression and his other issues in li...