Day 2 of Healing (Wed)

I woke up in the middle of the night because my room air-conditioner had water leakage. Immediately the person in the past came to my mind. I wanted to tell him and wanted some form of comfort. But I know at the same time, he isn't there anymore. I felt the sadness, but I know I have to embrace this feeling. This episode is perhaps what heartbreak is all about.

I still struggle with regrets about my mistakes, even though I know that I had done what I could have done best when things happened. I kept repeating this line, "If you had lowered your neediness and negative emotions, you could have made him less pressured and stressed about the relationship, and perhaps you wouldn't need to break up." But there were already some conflicts in the relationship that we could not address and repair due to his depression, although I was willing. It was as if two bombs came together simultaneously, and I was so shocked and confused that and did not know which to catch first. So, naturally, I tried to capture the relationship issue bomb because I thought that was something we should solve with high priority and urgently. But his depression was something that I did not know much about, and it was so confusing that I questioned whether he still had feelings for me or still loved me. And it is not something that we could solve immediately or I could solve. So, I was in a bad timing, bad situation, rainy or winter season now. I told my brother that I couldn't heal his depression by overthinking it. It is his responsibility for his depression, and he needs the space. So, I can only continue praying for him and supporting him from the sideline if he is willing to let me do so.

Meanwhile, I know that I have to restart my life without him. Whenever I extend a baby step toward self-care, I have this image of myself looking back at my past fondly, and then I have this difficulty letting go.

There is still some time till we cancel our house deposit, and I still want to have some hope, but at the same time, I know, also, we are likely to have to get the house deposit canceled. So, this is the struggle that I am facing. And it is something that I want to let go of today and slowly. I will work on forgiving myself today.