Day 1 of Healing (Tues)

I decided to call today Day 1, although the breakup happened more than five weeks ago. It was a good and fulfilling three years of relationship. Still, we had some unresolved conflicts that made him realize that it would be better if the relationship broke off without a proper conversation at first. 

This incident was the most hurting part because it happened out of the blue, although I noticed some signs in the 2-3 months before he sent me the text messages. And the part that he did not tell me about his depression earlier.

We had discussions about resolving the conflicts, but my approach was more toward salvaging the relationship. He agreed with me to continue the relationship, but I did not manage to educate myself on depression. At the same time, I realized that I had a lot of insecurities and trust issues due to the way the conflicts were handled. I had to try to figure out what was going on, and it gave me a lot of pain and stress. Adding depression and his other issues in life, I think it was already hard to progress in the relationship. And he said he did put in some effort - now that I reflected on it was a tremendous effort from him, considering that he was also struggling with depression, which probably is a lot more painful than what I am going through.

It is difficult to understand what happened, and we broke up. Yes, we broke up. He wanted to stay as friends, but initially, I thought I would not be able to be a friend with him, as I do have feelings for him. I like him as a person and have seen myself with him together for a long time, other than the flaws in the relationship and him (which are normal and reasonable, not morally wrong, dealbreakers). However, I have decided to offer my help to him if he needs it and we could still meet as friends, although I know it is going to hurt.

But today, I want to accept that he has depression and has to deal with it first. And we have broken up. He decided to let go of the relationship as it had become painful and stressful for both of us. So although I am going through the grieving/mourning stages, I told myself that his mental health is more important, and I have to let go of the relationship. 

Only after the breakup did I have more time to look up information on depression and come across past similar cases to mine. This kind of depression fallout is so common. I realized I should have lowered my expectations of him participating in the relationship since overcoming depression is a priority in his life now, and partly his other issues in life are more important than keeping the relationship. So, I was not equipped to see it through at that time for the relationship. I also read that it is difficult to stay in a relationship although it is possible, and how it can affect life if a partner is having depression. Now that I understand, I will give him space and time. I want to continue to improve my mental health as well. So, even with the pain, I am carrying with me, I want to live my life. I will come out from this stronger too. Waiting for him or not, or whether he comes back or not.

I will still pray for healing for both of us, especially for his depression, and that God sends help for him to recover. I think that I could do as a person who still loves him, although no longer as a partner.